Funny one liners

17 Funny One Liners

Sometimes One Line Says it All

 

Funny one liners Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back

I can handle pain until it hurts

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door 

A farmer in a field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200

What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool so I gave him a glass of water.

Funny one linersI find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see

 

~~~till we laugh again~~~

 

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joke_day

Joke of the Day – The Affair

Just Send a Post Card

 

joke_dayFor two years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how would he know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, nine months later, he come home to his confused wife. “Honey!”, she said “you received a very strange post card today.”

He said ‘just give it to me and I will explain later’.

She watched as he read the card, turned white and fainted.joke-Day

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Three with meatballs, two without…send extra sauce

Now That is a Spaghetti Dinner!

 

~~ till we laugh again~~

Everyone Loves a Cute Joke ~~ If you don’t, you must be dead inside

Cute Jokes Get Us Every Time!





 

 

The past few days my mom has been sending me some cute little jokes. The kind you can find on Popsicle sticks or little kids tend to tell. The ones that make you groan yet you laugh every time.

There is something great about jokes like these. Most are classics and most are perfect for all ages. Yesterday I discussed my poor memory and it kills me that one of the first things to go were these cute jokes. Trust me, I have read thousands through the years and swore I would never forget my favorites. Yet here I sit, empty other than my two favorites…

  • What did the teddy bear say when offered dessert?   No thanks, I’m stuffed!   (God I love this joke)
  • Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?    Because it’s too cold out tide.  

I must admit, the ones my mom sent were cute so I will share them too…

  • What type of lettuce was served on the Titanic?   Iceberg  (you saw that coming ~~although they didn’t)
  • What kind of a cup cant u drink out of?   A cupcake
  • Where can you see hamburgers dance?   At a meat Ball

I had a friend that thought this one was the funniest joke she ever heard for years. Although she was the only one who ended up laughing…

  • Why did the baby cross the road?  It was stapled to the chicken   (sick mind huh?)

My significant other’s grandpa use to tell this one every time they passed a graveyard…

  • Why is there a fence around the graveyard?  Because everyone is dying to get in!

One of my nephew’s thinks this is the funniest joke around…

  • Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks….“Why the long face?”    (took me a couple beats to get it)

Earlier today I saw this one…

  • What do you call a dear with no eye?  No Idear

So my question for you is…

What is the silly joke you like to tell?

Or one someone you know just can’t seem to stop telling?

Share for all to laugh   😀

 

HEY…Come tell you cute silly joke on this new post. >>>>  Cute Jokes You Can Tell Anyone… I Thought these have been too good not to share so why not make one page of them! Thanks

 

~~~till we laugh again~~~

 

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Have a 6 year old Tell You A Joke





Have you ever had an under 6 year old tell you a joke?

It goes something like this…

Why did the chicken drive up the street?  Uh Why?   Cuz his car was in the garage.    huhhhhh???

Then they fall on the floor laughing their butt off.

Their jokes consist of one half – part of a joke they heard and one half – mix in new parts. Then when they can’t recall the punchline they make one up on the fly. And normally it has nothing to do with the original part of the joke. But to them, it is the funniest thing they have ever heard.

Or worse, try doing a knock knock joke.

Knock Knock… Who’s there?…. (looking around the room) ahh Couch….. Couch who?……Couch is in the front room!

Ahhh haaa haaaa and they are on floor rolling again…

And we start laughing or smiling as we are left scratching our head because while the joke was so bad, they make us smile because they think they just won Last Comic Standing.

So your mission is to find a laugh in the next 24 hours by asking a kid under age 6 to tell you a joke. The joke may not be funny, but the experience sure will!

 

~~~till we laugh again~~~

 

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