59 Comeback Woman Can Use on Bad Pickup Lines

Have you ever had a guy slither up to you with a twinkle in his eye and a bad pickup line rolling off his lips? Did you wish you had a great comeback? Well next time you will be ready with these great responses I found while roaming the internet for you.

Here are 59 Comebacks for those Bad Pickup Lines

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!
No, they’re prison pants. And it’s time for me to make my escape.

Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy!
No, I’m Finnish. Finnish with this conversation!

Feel my shirt. That’s boyfriend material.
It looks a little too clingy and hard to maintain.

I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.
I don’t. But I know karate and I could rip your lungs out.

There’s something wrong with my eyes. I can’t take them off you.
I’m having a problem with mine, too. I can’t see you getting anywhere with me.

What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
I was gonna ask you the same thing!

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?
Go ahead. I need to practice hitting a moving target.

Why don’t we get drunk and make some bad decisions?
You look like you already are, and you just did.

Didn’t we take a class together? I could’ve sworn we had chemistry.
I’m thinking it was history. Which is what you should be right now.

Are you a magician? Because abraca-dayum, girl!
Yeah. Now watch me disappear.

Is your last name Campbell?
Because you’re Mmm Mmm good!

Your nickname must be Dirt Devil, because tonight you’ll be alone with the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.

Do you have a map? I’m getting lost in your eyes.
Sorry, no map. So why don’t you just get lost?

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!
Are you from Istanbul? Because you sound like a real turkey.

I just Googled “sexy” and a picture of you came up.
You’ll get the same result if you search for “not interested.”

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
If I said I wanted to check out your ass, would you turn around and walk away?

Man: Is this seat taken?
Woman: No, and mine will not be anymore if you sit down.

Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: I will do whatever it takes to please you.
Woman: Ok, please me by getting out of my sight.

Man: I would go till the end of the world just for you.
Woman: Really? Ok. Would you stay there?

That’s a cute dress. It would look even better on my bedroom floor.
And it would look fabulous jammed into your windpipe.

Here I am! What were your other two wishes?
That he be charming and handsome. I guess not all wishes come true.

All those curves and me with no brakes.
So cheesy, and me with no pizza.

Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.
No, but you must be a jury notice, because I’m trying to avoid you.

I feel like a library card, since I’ve been totally checking you out!
Did you notice that I’m like a best seller? Currently unavailable.

If you were a McDonald’s burger, you’d be the McGorgeous.
Thanks, Ronald, but I’ve already talked to enough clowns tonight

Man: You are the reason why men fall in love.
Woman: Thank you. And you are the reason why women don’t.

Man: I’d really like to get into your pants.
Woman: No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.

Man: Haven’t we met before?
Woman: Yes, I’m the receptionist at the STD Clinic.

Man: I can give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don’t usually accept cheap gifts.

Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!

Man: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason!
Woman: Yeah! To pick up some chicks!

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Actually, it’s you. Because you just crashed and burned.

Excuse me, does this napkin smell like chloroform to you?
Not as much as that pick-up line smells like desperation.

You know, you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
And you look exactly like the guy I turned down two seconds from now.

Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams?
No, they hurt from dodging corny lines like that all night.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

Man: Hi! Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!

Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That’s funny, because yours is a wasteland!

Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time!

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Hi girl, your place, or mine?
Woman: You go back to yours and I go back to mine.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Away from you.

Man: If I am able to rearrange the alphabet, I would put “U” and “I” together.
Woman: Oh, how sweet. If you asked me, I would put “F” and “U” together.

Older Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn’t born yet.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put you before GLY

Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can’t, I have a Tempurpedic

Man: What do math and my dick have in common?…They’re both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you’re annoying and difficult.

I hope you found some you liked. Make a man glad he picked you to give his line to

~~~till we laugh again~~~

13 Jokes About Women

Can Women Take a Joke?

Ok, so yesterday we shared some jokes about men. It is only fitting that we share some jokes about women. After all, women want equal rights so we get to make fun of them too!

Here are 13 Jokes About Women that you can tell

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion

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What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.

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Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

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When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. “Step aside, lady,” he barked. “I’ve taken a course in first-aid!” The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. “Pardon me,” she said. “But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m right here.”

~~~

A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” His wife says, “Take half and leave your ass!” The man replies, “Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!”

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A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!” –

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A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, “My wife missed the bus.”

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A wife asked her husband, “Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?” The man replied, “Yes, I do.”

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Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

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Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

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I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

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I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her

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If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.

So, did you find one you liked? Do you have one to share?

~~~till we laugh again~~~

11 Jokes About Men

Jokes About Men? Here Are a Few You Can Use

Did you know that one of the most searched types of jokes has to do with men? I just picture a bunch of women blowing up Google just to make fun of the dudes. Is it fair? Of course! There are twice as many jokes making fun of women. LOL

Let’s take a look at 11 Jokes about Men

A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

~~~

Girl: “Girls are better than boys.”

Boy: “Then why did God make boys first?”

Girl: “Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy.”

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Men Are Like…… Blenders.

You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

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Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

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How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work

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How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

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How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

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What’s the best way to kill a man?

Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

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What do men and beer bottles have in common?

They are both empty from the neck up.

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How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

~~~

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

God I love that last one!!!

Well ladies, I hope you had a good laugh. But be careful, I’m all about fair play. Who knows what the next post will have!

~~See You Tomorrow~~

Who’s Not Afraid of the Devil?

Fear No Evil

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of MyTown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, amidst an explosion of fire, Satan appears!

Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence.

This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”

The man says, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years, how bad could you be?”

~~~till we laugh again~~~

~~~

Random Jokes to Help You Smile Today

Sometimes You Just Have to Take a Time Out in Your Day and Laugh

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let’s start from your bank account.

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the alley late last night?
One was a salted.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large

What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man?
Well, I can clearly see your nuts

What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef. (boo)

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses. (lol…I love this one)

~~~till we laugh again~~~

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17 Funny One Liners

Sometimes One Line Says it All

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back

I can handle pain until it hurts

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door

A farmer in a field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200

What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool so I gave him a glass of water.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see

~~~till we laugh again~~~

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What Do You Call… Jokes

Let’s test your knowledge shall we?

How many of these can you guess?

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

What did the ghost say to the wall?

Hey, sorry just passing thru.

How do you communicate with a fish?

Drop him a line!

What do you call two pears?

A Pair

What did one wall say to the other?

Meet you at the corner.

What do you call a bear without an ear?

B. Which type of bees produce milk?

Boo Bees

What did the tree say to the wind?

Leaf me alone!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick.

What’s worse than having a worm in your apple?

Taking a bite and finding half of a worm in the apple!

What do you call fake pasta

Impasta

What do you call a cow that twitches

Beef Jerky

What do you call a group of unorganized cats?

Cat-astrophe

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Do-you-think-he-saw-us

Hope you got a laugh or two!

~~~till we laugh again~~~

Getting a Second Opinion at the Vet

Does Your Vet Know What They Are Talking About?

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon and laid it on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the bird’s chest and informed the woman that her duck was dead.

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, left the room and returned with a Labrador retriever. The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and led it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill and screamed, “$150! Just to tell me my duck is dead?”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it’s now $150.”

~~~till we laugh again~~~

Joke of the Day – The Affair

Just Send a Post Card

For two years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how would he know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, nine months later, he come home to his confused wife. “Honey!”, she said “you received a very strange post card today.”

He said ‘just give it to me and I will explain later’.

She watched as he read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Three with meatballs, two without…send extra sauce

Now That is a Spaghetti Dinner!

~~ till we laugh again~~

Are You Sure You Want to Bungee Jump?

Let’s Go Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and began to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

Once they complete the tower, and announcement is made in Spanish and the first guy jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able to catch him, he falls again, bounces, and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.

This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”

The first guy says, “No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?”

Don’t Forget to Laugh Each and Everyday!!

~~Till Our Next Cute Joke of the Day~~

The Next High Tech Gadget

Amazing What They Can Do with Modern Technology

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers. like a telephone… on his hand, then talking into his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.

The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says, “Yeah? Prove it.”

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

“That’s incredible”, says the bartender, “I would never have believed it!”

“Yeah,” said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender
directs him to the men’s room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room. There is the guy spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his
butt.

“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”

The guy turns to him and says: “No, I’m fine…I’m just waiting for a fax.”

Don’t Forget to Laugh Each and Everyday!!

~~Till Our Next Cute Joke of the Day~~

How to Explain Politics to Your Kids

The 2016 Elections Might Have Your Kids Asking

*** Warning…DO NOT share this with you kids. LOL Keep Reading and Find Out Why!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about”.

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

Don’t Forget to Laugh Each and Everyday!!

~~Till Our Next Cute Joke of the Day~~

Cute Joke of the Day – The Genie

Here is your – Cute Joke of the Day

The Genie – Be Careful What You Wish For

A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house. The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window.

Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor.

Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to apologize for breaking his window and the vase.

The man inside the house says, “No, don’t apologize, I am a genie and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would like to keep one for myself.”

He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and said, “I wish for a million dollars.”

The genie waves his hand and said, “A million dollars, it’s yours, it has been deposited into your bank account.”

He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, “I wish for a condominium in Hawaii.”

The genie waves his hand and says, “A condominium in Hawaii, it’s yours.” The genie continues, “Now it is my turn.” He thinks for awhile and says, “You know its been 10,000 years since I have had a woman, could I make love to your wife?”

The man thinks for a while and says, “Honey, he gave us a million dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is make love to him.”

She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.

After making passionate love, the woman says, “I can’t believe that my husband let you do this to me.”

The genie says, “And I can’t believe that your husband still believes in genies.”

Don’t Forget to Laugh Each and Everyday!!

~~Till Our Next Cute Joke of the Day~~