This Joke Just Plain Stinks

Grab a clothespin as this joke is really smelly!

clothespin on nose

Can you handle it?

~~

Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

~~

Now this one is interactive.

You know the routine if you like jokes.

Especially Knock Knock jokes

~~

So when you see this

????  

You know what to do..

Say it out loud

~~

Ready?

Put the clothespin on now.

You’ve Been Warned

~~

Knock Knock

????

Smell Mop

????

~~

~~

I told you it stunk!

smell my poo

 

 

Penguins Peeing in the Water & Polar Bears are Eating it Up!

14 Random Facts through the Eyes of a Sarcastic Person

 

knowledgeIf you are like me, you love to hear random facts. The best part of reading a random fact for a sarcastic person like me, is the first thought that comes to mind. So I thought I’d share these 14 random facts I found over at thefactsite.com and what popped in my head…. Doesn’t that sound fun?  LOL

 

Nearly three percent of the ice in Antarctic glaciers is penguin urine.

And to think, you thought they were flavored ice cubes

 

Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting

Guess polar bears want the penguins to stop making flavored ice cubes

 

TriangleAbout 8,000 Americans are injured by musical instruments each year

Who would have thought playing the triangle could be so dangerous

 

The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal

Since it didn’t work out I’m shocked they kept using it  (boo..too soon?)

 

There is a species of spider called the Hobo Spider

Yep, he carries all his belongings in a bag on the end of a stick

 

poopSmearing a small amount of dog feces on an insect bite will relieve the itching and swelling

Ummm, I’m pretty sure I’ll just keep scratching

 

95% of people text things they could never say in person

Like: “yea, your butt does look too big in those pants”

 

You cannot snore and dream at the same time

Explains why I can never seem to finish any of my dreams

 

hot air balloonA sheep, a duck and a rooster were the first passengers in a hot air balloon.

Is it me or does this seem like the beginning to a joke? 

 

King Henry VIII slept with a gigantic axe beside him

Now you would think this would have been the first hint to his future wives

 

Hyphephilia are people who get aroused by touching fabrics.

“Bobby, stop stroking the ottoman!”

 

29th May is officially “Put a Pillow on Your Fridge Day“.

Ok, I can’t possibly be the only one thinking…”what the heck????” Why???

Maybe it is just easier to camp out and eat your ice cream??

 

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour

Might just be easier not to eat the Little Debbies?

laughing

 

Cherophobia is the fear of fun.

Thank God none of you have this!!  If you made it this far you have no fear of fun!!!

~~ Till our next laugh together~~~

Buffets Are Nasty Unless You Like Your Food Sneezed On

Disclaimer: I’m not a fan of Buffets…

But I’m sure the Title gave that away.. LOL

 

The Nasty Buffet

 

The other day I came across this above picture on Pintrest. It was an article on Huffington Post.  I had to laugh as it pretty much sums up my thoughts on most buffets.

I know for many of you, Buffet’s might be the wholly grail of fine dining. After all, who wouldn’t love 8 plates of crab legs? Oh yea, me… I hate seafood remember.   🙂

Some of the longest lines I’ve ever seen are those at a casino’s Buffet. Heck, people will pay $40-$50 for those seafood buffets! That is crazy. Go to a nice restaurant people!  lol

While you may see a buffet and hear the angels sing, I see a buffet and just see food that is an hour or more old, hands picking through it, sneezing, germs. People playing with my food. Cooked with zero seasoning and barely recognizable as the true food it is.  crablegs

Heck, even those crab legs you love so much have you spending hours cracking and digging for little meat and lots of water. No wonder you need to eat 8 plates.  LOL

Now, I will say in defense of Buffets, they are one step up from the grosses thing on earth…PEAS!  Yep, if you recall, I think they are little round balls of puke!

So, what do you think of buffets?  Nasty or Heaven to you?

Ok, Time To Learn Something…

Ok, everyone, time for Aunt Tammy to teach you all something. 

For the past 2 days in two different locations, I have run into a situation that is showing we are lacking some education in the world. Being the giver and teacher I am, I am going to address this need right now. Feel free to share in your circle of influence if you are running into the same thing.

Yesterday I go into a public restroom and find this….

(thank you google)

(Not actual picture, I’m not that sick and gross to take my own picture of someone’s “leftovers”)

Now, first and foremost. I don’t need to see your floating left overs nor do I need to see that you ate too much popcorn the night before and have created nice little clog for the poor porcelain god. Nor am I impressed with your ability to hide the evidence by stuffing tons of TP in the toilet to hide the true reason for the clog.

Now, it does happen from time to time our little insides are just dying to release at the worse possible time and the worse possible way. Anyone who says this hasn’t happened to them is lying.

But here is my issue.

(thank you google – again)

See the thing sitting next to the toilet? It is called a plunger.

Here is a close up in case these are new to you.

(thank you google – again)

Now, here is where the breakdown seems to occur. Maybe folks don’t know how to use this device.  It is actually very simple. Just plug your nose if needed and hold back the gag reflex like I had to yesterday to fix this problem.

Insert into said toilet, create a seal, and push back and forth creating a sucking sound. Success will eventually come and everything will be free to float down the sewer highway.

Granted sometimes you have to whip out the big artillery but this simple technique will resolve 90% of the clogged toilets in the world.

So yesterday my need to go potty was greater than my need to be grossed out. No bathroom for next 5 hours wasn’t going to work and obviously the culprit wasn’t going to fix it them self, so I took the dirty deed on myself.

Then TODAYYYYY, I come into work and guess what? Same freaking thing? Do I look like Mr Roto Rooter?

Once again, I take the handy plunger located right next to the clogged unit in question and within 30 seconds we were back in business.

Please pass along this easy to use tip….

If you clog up a toilet and the plunger is located within arms reach, please plunge your own pooh away.

Thank you for your support

~~~till we laugh again~~~

Do You Find Farting Funny?

So, are you one of those people who thinks farting is funny? 

I have never understood the fascination of people farting. Sure a fart can feel good sometimes

(oh, don’t act like it hasn’t happened at least once).

Especially if it releases pressure in your stomach from too much air built up.

But to just do it to make people laugh?

Yea, doesn’t grab me. But men, yes you, you just think this is the funniest thing in the world.

Maybe it is the inner child in you.

Gosh knows how much kids find it funny

~

But seriously….

While the sound might be funny, the smell sure isn’t.

`

Now, I will admit, I’m guilty of these farts all the time….

Yes, I have brain farts all day. 

But they aren’t as funny. I know.

Ok, sometimes they are. Depends on what I brain fart on.  LOL

`

And definitely beware of anyone that asks you to pull their finger. 

(everyone has someone in their family that does this)

You might regret the “present” you get

`

`Ok, maybe it is funny when you witness this.  

I bet she thought she would make it out before the evidence gave her away

`

But I do want to give out a public service notice to some of you.

 

Just because you don’t hear it, doesn’t mean no one else can. 

LOL

`

And finally, beware…

Sometimes a fart, it more than a fart

`

~~~till we laugh again~~~

What is with These Women!

First off, the Not Normal and Proud of It! Club is coming along great. A few new members and even a few new ideas. (like a rock climbing wall).

But for now, I must rant for a moment. It drives me up a freaking wall (and not this new rock climbing wall either).

I might get a little graphic for the moment, but it is necessary in my mind. This is how it sounds in my head.

Why is it when I go in a public restroom,

women are pissing all over the toilet seat?  Seriously!

I expect dudes to do this, but women? 

If you are going to squat, at least hit the big hole!  And if you do miss? Guess what, toilet paper will wipe that dang seat!

Do not leave it for the next person to find and deal with.

I have gone in our local casino that has 10 stalls and literally walked all 10 to find this very picture.

I was at restaurant the other night and all 3 stalls had this. Give me a break!

People can be so rude and disgusting.

There are only 4 things that tick me off. Otherwise I’m pretty easy-going.

A) Lying to me

B) Disrespecting me (especially when I haven’t disrespected you)

C) Guys with pants down and their asses hanging out (see B – above)

D) Women PEEING ON THE SEAT!    

~~~~~

Ok, I feel better now.

And if you are one of these people (which I doubt you will admit) (just kidding, my readers would never do this… I think..lol)

Please, please wipe up your yellow stream, I want nothing to do with it. Hell, I’ll even flush for you, but don’t make me wipe your bodily fluids up for you!

 

How do you feel about this? Does this drive you batty as well?

I now return you to our normal fun loving me….  😀

~~~till we laugh again~~~

 

NO! I do not want to look in your eye!

If you get something in your eye, NO! I will not look in your eye for you. Don’t even ask. I don’t care how much I like you, how much I love you, or if you are my mother. Find someone else. Period.

Just Googling images of eyeballs has made me physically ill.

Did I mention I’m grossed out by eyeballs?

I’m not sure when it happened, but I have a theory. When I was younger my grandmother took us to see a movie called Rabid and during the movie someone’s eyes got gouged out and put in a jar. From that moment on, I don’t want to see an eyeball any closer than arms length and as long as they are in your sockets.

The problem is, when people find out I don’t like them, they are determined to gross me out by showing me their stupid eye tricks. So here is a list of things I don’t want to “see”….

  • DO NOT ask me to look in your eye for an eyelash – I will lie and say I see nothing which really is true because if my eyes are shut when I look, I really did see nothing
  • DO NOT flip your eye lids up – I will guarantee you I will cuss you out like a sailor on shore leave
  • DO NOT pop your eyes out of your sockets – You are a freak of nature and I am pretty sure I will vomit all over you.
  • DO NOT try and trick me either – I will kick your ass (and yes I did swear) and I do mean it.   😀

When I was a senior in high school I took anatomy. I could skin the cat, play with it’s dead carcass for weeks – yet when we watched the video on the eyeball, the moment a giant eyeball popped on screen, I claimed i had to go to the bathroom and didn’t return till the end of class when I knew the video was definitely over.

Once one of my nephews discovered this, he thought he was so freaking funny when he flipped his eyelids up. I wanted to slug him (don’t worry, I never did so no need to call child protective services – although one day you might – just kidding, calm down)

Well, now it is out. I have confessed the one thing that really makes me violent.

I’m grossed out by many things (blood for example) but nothing makes me as violent as someone thinking they are funny with the eyeball stuff. If it wasn’t that movie that damaged my psyche those many years ago, then I’m pretty sure I had a bad experience in a former life that still haunts me. It’s a strange reaction from someone who rarely gets bothered by anything. I let 99.99% of stuff roll off my back like a duck. So it is odd the reaction these essential parts of our anatomy give me.

So, please keep your eyes behind your eyelids and find someone else to help you with that eyelash you got stuck. Cuz it sure will not be me helping you out.   😀

Is there anything that does this to you?

 

~~~till we laugh again~~~