17 Funny One Liners

Sometimes One Line Says it All

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back

I can handle pain until it hurts

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door

A farmer in a field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200

What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool so I gave him a glass of water.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see

~~~till we laugh again~~~

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What Do You Call… Jokes

Let’s test your knowledge shall we?

How many of these can you guess?

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

What did the ghost say to the wall?

Hey, sorry just passing thru.

How do you communicate with a fish?

Drop him a line!

What do you call two pears?

A Pair

What did one wall say to the other?

Meet you at the corner.

What do you call a bear without an ear?

B. Which type of bees produce milk?

Boo Bees

What did the tree say to the wind?

Leaf me alone!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick.

What’s worse than having a worm in your apple?

Taking a bite and finding half of a worm in the apple!

What do you call fake pasta

Impasta

What do you call a cow that twitches

Beef Jerky

What do you call a group of unorganized cats?

Cat-astrophe

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Do-you-think-he-saw-us

Hope you got a laugh or two!

~~~till we laugh again~~~

Getting a Second Opinion at the Vet

Does Your Vet Know What They Are Talking About?

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon and laid it on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the bird’s chest and informed the woman that her duck was dead.

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, left the room and returned with a Labrador retriever. The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and led it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill and screamed, “$150! Just to tell me my duck is dead?”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it’s now $150.”

~~~till we laugh again~~~

Joke of the Day – The Affair

Just Send a Post Card

For two years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how would he know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, nine months later, he come home to his confused wife. “Honey!”, she said “you received a very strange post card today.”

He said ‘just give it to me and I will explain later’.

She watched as he read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Three with meatballs, two without…send extra sauce

Now That is a Spaghetti Dinner!

~~ till we laugh again~~

Are you an In-e or an Out-e?

No, not your belly button silly.

Although, that would have probably made a funnier post.

No, I’m talking about ~~ Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Basically introverts get their “energy” by being alone and recharging themselves. Extroverts get their “energy” from others. They get joy and excitement out of being around others.

If given a chance, introverts would prefer to be alone doing what they love (can be anything, reading, TV, computer, gardening, doesn’t matter). While extroverts would prefer to P A R T ~ aaaaa. They love to be around others and the thought of being alone drives them batty.

If there is a party going on, the extroverts love to be the first ones there and the last to leave. Introverts are thinking of every reason to get out of the sill thing. “Cough, cough, I think I feel a cold coming on.”

Extroverts see a crowd of people and start to salivate at the thought of joining them. Introverts hyperventilate at the thought of having to join them.

I am an introvert. However, I will get folks to disagree when I tell them. Why? Shouldn’t it be obvious?

I wish it was. Turns out there are a lot more folks like me. We have learned to succeed in the work place by giving speeches, teaching people, or even getting involved in a conversation or two.

What you don’t see is our internal dialog shouting for us to RUN!

Sure we can have fun, but in our head we are already looking forward to getting home and turning off all the noise around us.

So, are you an In -e or an Out-e?

~~~till we laugh again~~~

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Duct Tape vs WD40

Solve Any Problem with Duct Tape or WD40

Every single person in the world should learn at a young age that most of life’s broken items can be fixed using either Duct Tape or WD40.

Every single home should have these two items in their junk drawer. Don’t you agree?

Are You Sure You Want to Bungee Jump?

Let’s Go Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and began to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

Once they complete the tower, and announcement is made in Spanish and the first guy jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able to catch him, he falls again, bounces, and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.

This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”

The first guy says, “No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?”

Don’t Forget to Laugh Each and Everyday!!

~~Till Our Next Cute Joke of the Day~~

Cell Phones are Taking Over the Taco Bell

I Wish One Little Girl Would Just Eat Her Phone

So, during a hard day’s work, I slip off for some lunch time at my local Taco Bell. I have a special love for Taco Bell as it was my first job. But that is another story for another day.

I get my quesadilla (I highly recommend the spicy, shredded chicken quesadilla) and slide into my booth to enjoy some peace and quiet. Or did I???

Not 2 minutes later a loud voice starts booming throughout the lobby. Some laughter and music. My head snaps up and notice the little girl in front of me is watching some show on her cell phone. Her mother oblivious to how loud and obnoxious this is to everyone in this packed lobby.

Soon the little girl isn’t even looking at the screen as she is lost in her tacos. The phone pushed aside yet still as loud as possible.

I look around to see if everyone else is shooting daggers into this mother who doesn’t realize she is raising a brat who has no respect for others.

So what do I see? Family of 6 to the right, all 6 on their cell phones! Yes, mom, dad and their 4 bambinos. Next table, all on cell phones. Next table, all on their cell phones.

OMG, I turn to see that no one is bothered by this horrendously rude show blasting because their noses are so buried in their own phones.

I stop and count…..12,13,14,wow 15 people in this lobby and I’m the only one not on my cell phone! Crazy!

Ok, I must confess. Soon as I polished off the quesadilla I too was on my cell phone. Yep, it was Candy Crush time.

Fine, I’m one of “those” people.

Hey, but at least I’m not blasting my phone and forcing everyone to listen to it!

Listen, bury your nose in phone, just don’t shove it down my ears!

~~Till we Laugh Again!~~~

Tammy

The Next High Tech Gadget

Amazing What They Can Do with Modern Technology

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers. like a telephone… on his hand, then talking into his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.

The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says, “Yeah? Prove it.”

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

“That’s incredible”, says the bartender, “I would never have believed it!”

“Yeah,” said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender
directs him to the men’s room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room. There is the guy spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his
butt.

“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”

The guy turns to him and says: “No, I’m fine…I’m just waiting for a fax.”

Don’t Forget to Laugh Each and Everyday!!

~~Till Our Next Cute Joke of the Day~~

How to Explain Politics to Your Kids

The 2016 Elections Might Have Your Kids Asking

*** Warning…DO NOT share this with you kids. LOL Keep Reading and Find Out Why!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about”.

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

Don’t Forget to Laugh Each and Everyday!!

~~Till Our Next Cute Joke of the Day~~

Cute Joke of the Day – The Genie

Here is your – Cute Joke of the Day

The Genie – Be Careful What You Wish For

A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house. The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window.

Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor.

Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to apologize for breaking his window and the vase.

The man inside the house says, “No, don’t apologize, I am a genie and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would like to keep one for myself.”

He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and said, “I wish for a million dollars.”

The genie waves his hand and said, “A million dollars, it’s yours, it has been deposited into your bank account.”

He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, “I wish for a condominium in Hawaii.”

The genie waves his hand and says, “A condominium in Hawaii, it’s yours.” The genie continues, “Now it is my turn.” He thinks for awhile and says, “You know its been 10,000 years since I have had a woman, could I make love to your wife?”

The man thinks for a while and says, “Honey, he gave us a million dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is make love to him.”

She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.

After making passionate love, the woman says, “I can’t believe that my husband let you do this to me.”

The genie says, “And I can’t believe that your husband still believes in genies.”

Don’t Forget to Laugh Each and Everyday!!

~~Till Our Next Cute Joke of the Day~~

A Message from Beyond

You’ve Got Mail

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he misspelled her name and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

25 Quotes to Remind You Why Laughter is the Best Medicine!

25 Quotes that Prove Life is Better When You Are Laughing!!

Don’t just take my word for it, these 25 folks are just a few of the people that tell us laughter is the best medicine. Check out these quotes on laughter!

Nothing feels as good to me as laughing incredibly hard. Steve Carell

Laughter is the best medicine but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine. – Anonymous

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing. – Michael Pritchard

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. – Bob Newhart

Be with someone who makes you laugh even when you don’t want to smile – Anonymous

Nobody ever died of laughter. – Max Beerbohm

To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity. William Arthur Ward

The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it. – Bill Nye

Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, & dreams are forever – Walt Disney

You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. – Jay Leno

There are some things so serious you have to laugh at them. – Niels Bohr

There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do. Amy Poehler

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. – Yiddish Proverb

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor. – Charles Dickens

A man isn’t poor if he can still laugh. – Raymond Hitchcock

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. – Lord Byron

Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you. Mel Brooks

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. – Mark Twain

When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other. – Alan Alda

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. – George Bernard Shaw

I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t laugh. – Anonymous

If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done. Ludwig Wittgenstein

Laughter is an instant vacation. – Milton Berle

Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can. – Elsa Maxwell

Life is short, laugh while you still have teeth – Anonymous

A day without laughter is a day wasted. – Charlie Chaplin
Finally, Snoopy wants to weigh in…

~~~till we laugh again~~~

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