I Wonder if Sarcasm Can Be a Full Time Job

As you know, I’m looking to discover what I should be when I grow up.

They always say you should look at what you are most talented at or what you love to do. As I have built my list one item stands out that I’m wondering how can I make money from it. I love the sarcastic thoughts that come into my head.

There was a time when most of them came out my mouth, but life has taught me to keep them inside. Sometimes I’m cracking up and people don’t realize it’s from the thoughts dying to sneak out my mouth.

I can’t tell you how many times someone is telling about a conversation that just begged for a witty comeback and when I ask what they said in response, they just shrug and say “nothing”. OMG! You are killing me! These fools  just set you up and you didn’t take the no brainer comeback??

Or I’ll say, did you say… XXX and they will go “No, I didn’t think of that.”

So maybe I can make money with the Sarcastic Hotline.

 

Right when someone needs that good comeback, they tell the person “one sec” then they give us a quick call and my team and I can offer them great sarcastic responses for $3.99 a minute.

Hmm, this might have potential.

 

I might have to think this through. Surely with all the stupid things that get said, this can be a full-time gig. I can make tons of money!

To all my sarcastic brothers and sisters out there. Let’s think of how we can put this extreme talent we have to good use. After all, shouldn’t we use our special powers for good vs for evil?

Oh, and to those that think I’m serious…..Thus lies our problem……

<<<insert sarcastic comment here>>>

`

~~~till we laugh again~~~

 

 

People Crack Me Up

People crack me up…

5 people walk in the store….

Me:  ” Hello there”

Them: Silence

~~

Me: “Let me know if there is something you want to try?”

Them: Silence

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Me: Stare off a moment…Make direct eye contact with one…Hello

Her: Silence

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Me: One of them will say hi dang it!  Ten year old boy staring at me now…”Would you like to try something?”

Him: Silence…grabs mom’s shirt (what am I gonna attack him?)

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Me: “Just let me know when anyone is ready”

Them: Still silence

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Me: Walk off a minute…mumble to self, “they all can’t be deaf”

Them: still just staring off at the menu

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Me: Wander back. One more try…”Any one decided yet?”

Them: Silence…. They are killing me!!!

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An eternity later (or 10 minutes if looking at a real clock – no joke)

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Mom: Chocolate

Me: Knock me over with a feather…they do talk!! Ok, at least one of them…..

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Turns out they all can talk!

Just not to me.

I’m pretty sure I showered this morning.

sniff sniff…. yep

~~

Sad part is….. People do this all the time to us… never acknowledging us.. I have to teach the kids not to take it personally.

Even sadder?  These people actually turned out really nice once they ate they ice cream. Then they started talking to me and laughing.

~

People are odd creatures….

~

~~~till we laugh again~~~

Doctor’s Office – Waiting Room Humor




Lots of Laughs at the Doctor’s Office if You Watch

 

Do you people watch? I do. I could do it for hours. Take today for example. Over the past few months I have been going to tons of Dr appointments with a family member. And since we have had to go to a variety of Drs, they each have provided different types of fun.

One doctor for example is located downtown and has a variety of different backgrounds for patients.  Old, young, poor, poorer, Hispanic, White, round, tall, well you get the picture.  The doctors office I am at now is less diverse. Maybe it is because the Snowbirds are in town but let’s just say the average age in this waiting room is like 60+. A very white 60+  that is. The only real diversity being US citizen vs Canadian.  Lol

But the true fun comes from the realization that even with the diversity, there are just certain things you are guaranteed to find no matter where the location is or who the clientele is. These habits you get to see in all in these places. Let’s see how many you have encountered…

  • The man picking his nose, looking at it, then looking around the room to see if anyone else is looking – CHECK
  • The screaming kids running around without a leash or parental watch– CHECK
    • Some of which come up to you and ask 50 questions while their parents are oblivious that their kid is talking to a complete stranger – CHECK
  • The folks that are praying no one takes the chair next to them – CHECK
    • Or their alter ego who takes up both chairs next to them with their jacket and purse pretending they are holding it for someone– CHECK
  • The person next to you telling you their entire medical history even tho you just met them 2 min ago– CHECK
  • The older gentlemen wearing tube socks and Bermuda shorts– CHECK
  • The woman in the wheelchair glad she has her own seat and doesn’t have to share part of hers with the person taking up two since the seats are virtually on top of each other– CHECK
  • The person that jumps every time the doctor’s door opens thinking it’s their name being called– CHECK
    • The nervous Nellie’s shaking like a leaf due to fear it really will be their name this time– CHECK
  • The one reading a book praying no one will bother try and talk to them– CHECK
    • You know, the one with the paperback, Kindle, magazine so close to their nose with eyes peering above hoping you don’t notice– CHECK
  • Then there is the half of the room playing on their phone.  – CHECK
    • Then half of that half playing words for friends just not with each other– CHECK
    • The other  half with earbuds in and lip singing to Adele – CHECK

BINGOOOOOOOOOO..!!! oh sorry, thought I had a black out bingo for a sec…..

Well, you get the picture, and I’m sure some of these folks have entertained you as well. If I missed one, feel free to share with future readers who will join in on our people watching fun. Next time we can tackle people at the airport, or the amusement park, or maybe jump on the Walmart ones, cuz if you have ever gotten that email with the pictures of Walmart shoppers (or you are one in the pictures) then you know how freaking hilarious people watching at Walmart can be.   😀

 

~~~till we laugh again~~~

Try Hiding in a Big Pink Truck

Those that know me, know I own an ice cream store. As part of this, I converted my 2000 Ford 150 into a rolling billboard. First off, I LOVE my truck. Our first 8 years together it was a nice blend into any situation grey color. No one could pick me out of a line up. Then two years ago my veil of anonymity disappeared overnight.

Do you know how hard it is to blend in with a big bright pink truck with giant ice cream all over it?

Thank god I was never one to flip off people or swear at others. I also live in a small town doubling the fun of hiding. When driving, I tend to forget the outside  exterior as the inside is just as cozy and comforting as it was the day I bought it 11 years ago. I’ll be sitting at a light wondering why the people in the cars next to me are staring at me. The natural reaction we as drivers have is to yell out “What you looking at?” or “What’s your problem?”.  But as I stated earlier, thank god I’m not the confrontational type of driver. No road rage incidents in my future.

Now, with that said, let me tell you about an incident yesterday that proved to be one of my “laughter moments”.

Yesterday I had a few errands to run and afterwards I stopped at the Subway around the corner on my way into my store. As I left the sandwich shop and was about to hop in my truck, I heard a woman’s voice yell out “So you are the one driving me nuts today!” My first instinct was to say WTF but being the non confrontational person I am, I slowly turn and see a woman in the truck next to me with her window cracked. I smile and say “Excuse me?” with a quizzical smile on my face.

The older woman smiles back and says – “You taunted me at the Drs office, now you are taunting me now.”  For a brief moment I arch my eyebrow only to realize she was pointing at my truck. She continues on… “That big ice cream Sundae looks so good! but I’m trying to be good.”

Now, if you noticed in the picture above, my nice pink truck has a giant Oreo Sundae on it. And let me tell ya, it does look good.

Needless to say, I left with a smile and chuckled all the way around the shopping center to my store.

This was a classic example of what I mean by embracing the little moments of laughter we have in our daily life.

As for the Pink Truck… I miss my gray truck and our quiet moments together, but the pink has grown on me (trust me – I’m not a “pink” kinda girl). I definitely have loved the smiles it brings to others. Especially the kids.

I Bring You Mr Pants Down

I bring you – Mr. Pants Down. No, I don’t mean the kids (and sometimes adults) who think it they are all that and a bag of chips (Don’t forget the Coke – as Karla would tell me).

Why on earth would they feel the need to show the world they are intellectually challenged on how to do the simple task of pulling up their pants?

Maybe, their parents forgot to teach them where their waist was…

“Jimmy, where is your nose? Where is your knee? Where is your belly button?…”   You get the point.

It might be different if they had some boxers that had some important message. I can see it now written across one of their behinds…  “If I pull these up I will explode and kill dozens of people! I don’t do this for selfish reasons!  I do this to protect America!”

Now I have learned a few things due to this phenomenon

  • How to spell the word phenomenon (there is no i in case you were wondering)
  • Plaid is the most common boxer short for the pants up challenged
  • Silk boxers just make your pants slide off – it’s not their fault (Skinny dudes are screwed cuz no belt in the world helps – at least that is what they tell me)
  • Some do it just cuz everyone else is doing it and heaven forbid their think for themselves
  • Some guys still stitch their name on their underwear but there are a lot of Calvin Klein’s in the world tho (bad reference to Back to the Future)
  • And finally, some do it for the original reason, they think they are still in jail and trying to find a new bunk mate

But whatever the reason, it drives me FREAKING INSANE! Yes, I hate to admit it. It is one of the only things that drive me up the wall. Can you say the word – unrespectful? (no i by the way)

But I think I have found the solution. But I will need help from all the ladies. So ladies, Pssst, here is the plan….

Granny Panties! Yep, Let’s drop our pants down or hike up those skirts in and show them Granny Panties! Lots flowers, or maybe big hearts, the guys like boxers with hearts so why not. But either way, I know the dudes will love us ladies even more. Hell if they think they are sexy showing us theirs, just wait till we show them ours.

So like Mr Pants Down above, let’s get everyone dropping them. Hell, why do we bother wearing them? Seems like we should just get these guys to wear buttless chaps and accomplish the same thing. But maybe it’s just me…

 

~~~~~~~~ Till we laugh again~~~~~~~

Dear Future Tenants

So, those that know me know I have a few rental houses. Trust me, don’t feel happy for me, what seemed like a good idea years ago isn’t so much today.

But this blog post isn’t about whether I should or shouldn’t have or the current market conditions. No I’m not going to whine about the loss of equity. (not this time anyways) LOL

Here is my beef at the moment.

Last time I checked at no point did we discuss that when you (tenant) moved out, you could destroy my house!

I’d like to say this is rare, but alas it happens the vast majority of the time.

I like to think of myself as a landlord that works with my tenants. Especially when times get tough. Probably too much so at times. So it hurts that much more when in the end, tenants that were great for 11 months all of a sudden morph into sleeze balls.

So, maybe I need to modify my rental agreement to include the following true items that tend to occur more than I care for:

  • Tenant will not leave all their furniture behind when they move out. It is not my responsibility to get rid of your couch, your nasty ass beds, all your kids toys and your TV you broke 5 years ago. Not to mention your coffee table, shelves and whatever other junk you didn’t want to take with you.
  • Tenant will not attempt to fix plumbing on their own and use plastic to cover the big hole in the wall they made so that mold can grow and cause $2000 in additional damage to the drywall and cabinets.
  • Tenant will not let their dog shit all over the house and leave it there.  (this really happened, I thought we were going to die getting in the house – he was mad that he was being evicted for not paying rent – how mean of me)
  • Tenant cannot leave all their food in a fridge that the power is off too. That stuff gets smelly real quick. Especially the 3 month old fish you had in the freezer. Not to mention all the milk you split in the fridge and never wiped up.
  • IF you must cook on the stove – try cleaning it at least once in the year you live there. And do you really need all that grease in your food?? Well, most went in the food, the rest just got all over the stove, the walls and the cabinets.
  • While you are at it, I’m pretty sure the ceiling fans didn’t have 2 inches of dust on them when you moved in. How are earth have you been breathing all this time?
  • Tenants, please plan on replacing the 2-4 doors you will punch or kick holes in. You do know they aren’t punching bags? IF this is how you treat my doors and walls I sure the hell hope you aren’t hitting your kids or wife like this
  • Speaking of which, please don’t body slam your friends in the walls to see how big of a hole it would make. Not funny, not at all
  • Treat the carpet like you owned the place. You would KILL your kid if he or she spilled Red Kool Aid all over the new carpet if you had paid for it
  • Tenants, please hide all the crayons, markers, pens, etc from your kids. The white walls are not giant canvases for your kids to use. I really do not care how artistic Johnny and Suzie are. I do not need to have the walls covered in their art from the floor to 3 feet up.
  • Finally, if you can do those things plus pay your rent, we both will be happy. Oh hell, who am I kidding, your brats will still destroy my house in the end. You will let them and just think it is cute or you have just giving up disciplining them. But that is for a whole other blog someday.

BY THE WAY, ALL THE ABOVE ARE TRUE AND MOST HAPPEN EACH TIME A TENANT MOVES OUT.

Remind me again why I thought owning rental houses were a great idea????

Till we rant again….
Me

PS. Ok, let me say this now:

A) Many of my tenants are wonderful. Love them. Great people.

B) I love kids. Even like many of them. Its not their fault their parents let them do anything they want.

C) I’m not being mean. I’m being sarcastic. Or did you miss the title of my blog????

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